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‘Hum Saath Saath Hain’ except at the dining table



In many cultures of the world, food is considered to hold its position on top of the priority chart. Nothing is more important than a well fed human being, be it at the first blanket of sunlight or the last glistening of the moon. A lot more goes behind the scenes to ensure every stomach in the family has reached an equilibrium of satisfaction.


In India, this scenario is not very different from many parts of the world.


Food runs deep here, but traditions run deeper.


As a society, the Indian value system treats its guests greatly and believes in the practice of sacrificing one’s own needs to fulfill others’ thus, honoring the deeply entrenched belief of ‘Atithi Deva Bhavah’.


Interestingly, the guidelines are the same for serving food to the family members as well. As anticipated, the flagbearer of this satirical expectation to serve others first (read: men and children) often rests upon the shoulders of women. It is seldom explicitly pointed out to them because they've been conditioned since the time they learnt about their gender.


Naturally, nobody questions the normal, not even the apparent stronger gender. You perhaps make amendments to the rulebook as per convenience, which, as an option, is not open to all members in the Indian family.


Women eating last, is an uncomfortable reality that exists in the developed, developing and underdeveloped pockets in India. Many may argue that female family members of the house, specially the meal makers eating last does not solely indicate that they are not looked after, rather it is only a conscious decision taken by them to ensure the food is served rightfully and proportionately among other family members considered important.


Just like any chef at a restaurant would, right?


It is also hardly a matter of discussion or a cause of differences in their everyday life since traditionally, it is passed on generation by generation that (s)he who makes, eats last.


Personally, I have noticed it in many (many, many) households too. There wouldn’t have been an article if I hadn’t felt the heat. Ironically, you end up following the rulebook because of encrypted moral codes you have been given since adolescence. And whoever is preaching that the responsibility to bring the revolution to life lies on women’s shoulders is ignorant.


Bringing about a change is like looking at yourself in the mirror. When you smile, it smiles right back at you. If you smile looking at a wall, would it do the same? Err, no.

Similarly, it's not impossible to make these subtle changes, but it definitely becomes a bitter journey if the people around are resistant to change by choice.


Is somebody rewriting the moral codes?


We’re in the middle of a silent revolution.


The women (and men) who are exposed to the dialogues of the patriarchy over the internet or offline encounters, are up for challenges yet find it difficult to defend the dormant consequences of this tradition.


While traditionally, this norm is seen as normal, in the nuclear indian family unit, it is experiencing a wave of change due to external factors and a sense of ownership on decision making as per convenience by the family.


Since family as a unit does recognise structures and hierarchies in its functioning, it also strongly advocates for the male perspective in every order. Gender socialization has a lot to do with how we behave. Thus, it is safe to argue that this component decides which sex will be responsible for which duties, recognised objectively.


In this case, for instance, men are expected to bring food to the family, women are expected to cook it and serve it on the table. Societal conditioning in the context of gender roles and responsibilities is one of the primary reasons however and here to strike a more balance of perspective, i would like to introduce another fragment of argument in this mix - while patriarchy is held responsible a great deal for the Indian dining culture, it's not the only system responsible for men, women and children eating separately or in batches.


Let us travel in time to how our ancestors lived and survived the harsh environment with limited access to resources. Every day was a struggle but since gender responsibilities were already comprehended well, every unit of a family was nearly confident in fulfilling the expectations laid upon them.


As many sociologists have already established that humans act out of choice as per situations, I would say that lifestyle and specially the unsupportive kitchen was one of the influencing reasons for the dining behavior of people which has become a culture in Indian society over a time.


Consider this example, if you are preparing dosa at home, the tawa is fuming and the stomachs are growling. Would the chef-in-role or eager family members wait till there are enough dosas ready for them to sit together and enjoy a joyful feast? Perhaps, no.

The kitchen in the inception of time was not as convenient as many of us are accustomed to today, basic amenities like a stove or supply of liquid gas was a rare commodity. This scenario dates back to the time when the material needs of the civilisation were identified and started to resolve, however, not yet glorified by the capitalist advertising as we’re familiar with today. Period.


Who gets to eat first?


Firewood, being one of the key sources to produce fire, was heavily dependent on external factors such as geographic conditions requiring its maximum utilization while the flame could be controlled. With such a limitation anchoring the functioning of kitchen management, the nurturers ran it efficiently. They fed the physically drained family members first who were responsible to fulfill their ‘out of home’ duties, afterwards, fed the susceptible young offsprings while the flame was supportive enough to cook the flat bread. Circling back to the defined gender responsibilities, the nurturers, especially mothers were naturally expected to act out of maternal care and be the providers first which perhaps was mistaken as the ideal way to be in the kitchen.


  • Work-life juggle: Work keeps everyone busy. Too much noise about work-life balance, yet it falls on deaf ears. Whether you’ve been overworking because of Work-From-Home or the office. Either way, a stretched virtual meeting or transit keeps your stomach growling louder than a wolf. People come home at different hours and you can’t keep the chef waiting, can you? It’s inconsiderate. Period.


  • Saas, Bahu aur Soaps: If you haven’t yet caught the bug of eating while watching a favorite show on TV or OTT platforms, you have been living under a rock. With too many content options and specific preferences of people, individuals prefer gluing themselves to their phones and enjoy their meals and their favorite shows together. Can’t watch Game of Thrones with grandma now, can we?


  • Bittersweet relationships between family members: The relationships in today’s time and age lack patience and empathy for each other, this also results in less time spent together to really communicate their heart out. What does it result in? Unspoken comments and misunderstandings brewing cold for the longest time. Would you like to then enjoy that piece of pastry with your father who hasn’t really spoken to you for 2 weeks?


  • Escaping difficult questions: “Have you decided what you want to do after college? Are you even searching for a job? How much will you eat? Lose some weight! Be serious now, it's not funny. It's the right age to marry.”


Inconsiderate comments from family hurt even more, and escaping dinner time altogether acts as an escape for the family members to ‘live together, yet apart’. Works in disguise for everyone.

As we hop across the past and present, perhaps in the future 'eating last' after everyone is done would not only be applicable for women, but for THE ONE who takes great efforts to feed the hungry. Be it she, he or they.


So the next time you’re home, encourage the ‘chef in role’ to eat together. Ping me if you did it :)


‘Small’ encouragement at home can lead to ‘Big’ changes!






1 Comment


Prakash Lal
Prakash Lal
Dec 03, 2023

Amazing!

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